Healing Pt II
As I dive deeper into my own healing, I realize just how hard it is. A year and a half into this journey of intense self-discovery, inner exploration and processing, it doesn't feel any easier. I guess I assumed it's like anything else: the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I don't know that that's true of this kind of thing. The thing that I have become better at is self-awareness. When emotions rise up inside me, I understand now that it's an indication of something deeper. And if it's a painful emotion, that pain has a message for me. I need to pause, process and reflect before reacting.
When I see posts online or read books about healing, it all says the same thing: let go, release what doesn't serve you, forgiveness is for yourself, not for others, etc. I understand all of these concepts and the importance of them, but with these phrases being used so much in the wellness space, it almost sounds like we can just decide to press a button and suddenly it all goes away. Maybe some people are capable of doing this through meditation, but I am so not there.
My observations at this point in my journey is that letting go and releasing things is a slow (and sometimes treacherous) trudge. It's one day at a time; practicing meditation, meeting with my therapist, journaling, dancing, reliving the past and more. Often times, it doesn't feel like any progress is being made, and then BAM - I'll get hit with a realization that an old pattern has changed or I feel differently about something.
Those moments are so gratifying. It makes me realize that I am indeed healing, but it is a slow crawl, not a magic button I press that changes everything in an instant.
2022 has been an interesting year for me. The majority of the first 5 months has been spent waiting to find out if I have cancer. This discovery shocked me in the beginning, because I've never had health issues in my life. But as so many old emotions I've buried deep throughout my life are rising to the surface, I feel them manifesting in my body. They are stuck, begging to be released. My body and soul are begging me to speak my truth and live a life that's true to who I am. That's why I'm here now, sharing these thoughts with you.
It's kind of funny that my healing has led me to a place that is feared by our society. Don't get me wrong; I've had many moments of paralyzing fear this year. Many sleepless nights spent worrying about my child and how he would manage if something happened to me. Wondering how it would affect my family and my current life. Wondering how I could possibly cram in all the things I want to do to in this lifetime. But I've had a LOT of time to sit with this now, and overwhelmingly, I feel at peace.
Having the possibility of cancer hanging over my head this whole time hasn't been easy. I've never had so many medical tests and visits to the doctor and hospital in my life. It's been scary and stressful and heavy. But more importantly, it's been a wake-up call for me. It's like the universe is talking to me through a megaphone saying, "live your life NOW. Enjoy your life NOW", not at a distant time in the future at a perceived "better time". Be here now.
There's a quote I saw this year that has really stuck with me:
"There is no 'right' time to do something. There is only time and what you choose to do with it." -Unknown
We keep ourselves so occupied, aching over the past and worrying about the future, that we don't realize that the only time that truly matters, that is truly tangible, is here right now. This has been such a valuable lesson; perhaps the most important one I've learned so far. I needed this to happen to me so that I could wake up to my life and be fully present. No matter the outcome, I am truly grateful for this experience and what is has already taught me.