Healing Pt I

"Self love is a decision you make when you finally come to learn that everything you're experiencing is reflecting the relationship you have with yourself." - April Green

Healing is hard. Probably the hardest thing I've done so far.

I hit rock bottom after an unhealthy relationship ended during the pandemic and realized that I needed to stop and really think about what kind of life I was living. I felt so alone, isolated from the world, and absolutely miserable. I was experiencing my "dark night of the soul". With time, therapy, and a lot of self-reflection, I decided my behaviors and lack of boundaries in my relationships were not serving me. In fact, they were really unhealthy and damaging to me and the people in my life. It was a bit of a shock to have this realization, but that acknowledgement is what allowed me to slowly start to steer my life in a different direction.

A year and a half later, I still have a lot of healing to do, but I'm in a much better place. My head isn't a terrible place to live anymore. I've learned to like myself and even love myself. I've come to love my own company, and enjoy silence and solitude. I don't crave validation from the outside world as much as I used to, and have a stronger sense of self. I know and value myself, which is an amazing feeling.

I've spent a lifetime swallowing my emotions and words when others hurt me, not speaking my truth, and staying small in an attempt to blend in and move through life unnoticed. The reality is I have moved through life not speaking my truth; holding onto the false perception that if I spoke up, it would hurt others. I thought that sacrificing myself meant making others happy. This is not only unhealthy, but it's also incorrect. Something I perceive to be hurtful may actually be what someone else needs to hear. It's taken me a long time to understand this. And it's a continuous practice - something I have to be consciously aware of as I move through my day, but now I know the importance of being my own advocate.