the season of grief

**TRIGGER WARNING** Suicide

I don’t care for the holidays.

I used to. I used to love the holidays, especially as a kid. I was the one giddily pulling the Christmas tree out the day of Thanksgiving, blasting Christmas music all month and soaking up all the holiday cheer.

But life isn’t that way anymore.

These days, when the holidays come around, I feel deep grief and sorrow.

I’m reminded of the last holidays being married, feeling so incredibly alone and isolated within my marriage.

I’m reminded of finding out the day after Christmas that my aunt died by suicide. I remember getting the message from my cousin in Korea - saying that our aunt had gone to heaven and that I needed to tell my mom because they hadn’t been able to get a hold of her.

I’m reminded of having to call my parents from work to tell my mom that her little sister had died.

I’m reminded of the lack of emotional support I received from my partner at the time - and how it made this tragedy even more difficult for me to process.

I’m reminded of how I felt so utterly alone, in a deep dark hole, with a young child, living in a new state, with no friends.

I’m reminded of my friends who have lost their children, who are feeling grief beyond what I have ever experienced.

The holidays are hard for me.

They don’t feel joyful for me. I don’t want to celebrate.

A part of me feels undeserving of celebration, because of the deep sadness I feel.

I have learned that I can carry my sadness, and also feel other things at the same time. But honestly, I don’t really want to.

I don’t want to be festive, I don’t want to pretend to feel the holiday magic.

Because that disappeared years ago.

I share this not because I’m a grinch, (which I am!) but to say that if you’re feeling sadness around the holidays, it’s ok.

You’re not alone.

This is a season of so many other things. Memories. Past lives. Remembering what was.

It’s ok to grieve.